I got some catching up to do. This is from Sunday the 7th of May. I have been having a really hard time writing this one. Its not even like its hard to write what is hard is understanding exactly what it means enough to write about it. So I told myself just write and let my readers figure out what it all means or maybe just through the act of verbalizing my feelings I’ll figure it out.
What am I doing here?
I have been planning a float trip with some guy friends of mine for a couple months now, well as it got closer the floods in the St. Louis area had put a serious damper on things. I was really going back and forth on should I go or should I just stay home. I know this seems like something that really shouldn’t take a lot of thought ,but let me tell you why it was bothering me so much. I have to go back a bit but I think that the backstory will help put some of this into context. Before my son was born (4+ years ago) I loved to backpack and float and me and a group of guys would do this quite regularly . We were pretty ambitious with the trips we would take We would backpack for 5-7 days, hike at night to avoid the heat, and set our hammocks up on bluff edges so we could stargaze without straining our necks. When you go on these types of trips you can not help but form a lasting friendship with these people. Well, on December 8th 2012 the best of these guys and one of my closest friends passed away due to heart attack. Now a couple of really big things happened after this , but the biggest and most important was the birth of my son. I had not been camping, hiking, floating or fishing since then. I didn’t really know if it was that I didn’t want to think about it or if I just didn’t want to do it any more. I knew that I still loved the outdoors, but it just didn’t have the draw for me anymore. The one thing I know is that I have a lot of responsibilities now and I can’t be traipsing off into the woods every weekend. Now no-one has said this to me except myself and as a matter of fact it was just the opposite. Everyone and I mean everyone was telling me to just go enjoy the weather, get away everyone needs it now and then. So I thought you know maybe their right it could do me some good to get out and enjoy the fresh air. I could use a break from the kiddo for a couple days. Well the trip started off good enough, We went to Garden of the Gods which is part of the River to River trail in southern Illinois, we had never been there before and the weather and scenery was unbelievable I have posted some pictures for you to check out. We hiked in about 7-8 miles set up camp and chilled the rest of the evening. We talked quite a bit about our friend who had passed and kids. the two buddies who I had went with did not have kids yet, but I believe both are planning on it at some point. I told them about this blog and kind of caught them up on social media, believe it or not I was camping with the only 2 people left without Facebook profiles. I had told them that Sunday was my blog day and that I would probably be videoing, taking photos and documenting all day. They said that was fine and were kind of looking forward to it a little bit. I slept ok that night it had gotten a little cold and when your sleeping in a hammock like I do you can feel every gust of wind. When I woke up is when it hit me. I fucking missed my son. a lot. This was the first week that we had not woke up on Sunday morning together since I started the Dude Day project and it sucked. I was hit with this sense of guilt at least thats what it felt like at the time. I should not be here. I should be with him. I didn’t really talk a lot during the hike out or the drive home for that matter. it wasn’t that I was sad I just was having hard time figuring out what it was that was bothering me. I didn’t video, take photos or document a damn thing at all on that sunday. By the time I had gotten home that day my son was tired and we basically started the night time routine. It has been 8 days since that trip and I decided to sit down and write about and literally just now is when it hit me. I didn’t feel guilty. It wasn’t that at all. I have felt this before. Have you ever taken someones advice and you shouldn’t have? I mean you know you right? So when everyone was telling me that I need to take a break and that I need to just get away for a minute and unwind. They were wrong. Thats what was bothering me. I love my family. I don’t need a break from them. They are what centers me. I feed off of the energy that my son has. The goodness in my wifes soul is what makes me smile. They may need a break from me, but I do not need it from them. I wasn’t sad or guilty I just wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I have been following my own direction for a long time now and it has taken 39 and a half years to recognize that feeling right there. I hope some of you can connect with that story on some level and Will when you read this some day I hope it makes sense to you.
See you guys next week with some light hearted tales of Mothers Day.
An Imperfect Man 